Be Good, and You Will Be Lonesome
September 9, 2009
Here is my problem with the Green Movement: it’s a movement.
It’s a movement, and therefore an organized (however loosely you use the term) group of people all trying to do something at the same time. In theory, that sounds great, but in practice I’ve found that this generally means that someone is eventually going to try to tell me what to do.
I am against people telling me what to do, beyond the obvious. Don’t light people on fire, don’t touch their toys without permission, share your crackers and juice or go sit by yourself near the compost heap. Basically, I believe in nursery school rules, or, as I like to call it, the “Don’t Be a Dick” philosophy of life.
Therefore I am willing, even eager, to recycle. I will wash out my cans and bottles. Use real dishes instead of disposable at work. If I can get food that’s free range, organic, or locally grown, I’m happy to do it. But that’s where my dedication ends.
I am not now, nor will I ever – barring a severe allergy to all forms of animal flesh – become a vegetarian. I will always wear leather and fur, because it looks good, and because, hell, it’s not made of plastic, right? Totes biodegradable. And also, I look like a movie star in it. Should you see me at a party and give me the stink eye, I will peer at you from within my enormous muskrat collar and tell you, quite sternly, that the animals I killed were all drunks who beat their tiny muskrat wives, and that as a feminist I was required to skin them.
My ethics, clearly, are enslaved to my own convenience and vanity.
On the other hand … I once broke up with a boyfriend, or started breaking up with him, because of recycling.
When I explain this to you, I trust you will realize that this was when I discovered that he was insane, and also probably a spy for the Republican Party, sent here to date me, catch me doing drugs, and discredit any future attempts I might make to hold office.
The gentleman in question was what I refer to as a “free repeater.” This means that I had dated him before, and was now, some years later, dating him again, despite proving the first go-round that we were less well-suited to a dating relationship than Anderson Cooper and the entire cast of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. (Although I would like to see that.)
He was living in New York at the time. I was living in Boston. This meant that I was extremely slow and special at using the subway and required a great deal of help just to purchase a Metrocard and slide it through the reader in the correct manner.
One weekend, I came to visit him and he decided that he would teach me, once and for all, how to buy a Metrocard. This, so that I could stop following him around like I was Rainman and he was Tom Cruise and also because I’d intimated that I might want to move to New York soon, and that sort of thing would come in handy.
He showed me over to the little kiosk with great patience, and tapped the touchscreen through several steps, until we got to the screen that asked if I wanted to purchase a new card, or just refill my old one.
“Ooh!” I said, fishing around in my pocket and triumphantly coming up with my old card. “I have my card! My old one! I don’t need a new one, I can just refill this.”
“Nah,” he said. “Just get a new card.”
“But I don’t need one. I can just refill this one.”
“I think the strips wear out or something. Just get a new one.”
By this time, a guy behind us was shuffling from foot to foot impatiently and beseeching the ceiling with rheumy eyes, much as I do now that I’ve lived here for awhile, so I did what my boyfriend said and punched out a new card.
My boyfriend lived on the JMZ line, which, as New Yorkers will tell you, does not exist, so we had plenty of time to sit and ponder refills vs. new cards while we waiting 20 minutes for our train. Also, it was an elevated platform, and a windy night. Eddies of once-read newspapers blew by us as we sat. I kept lifting up my legs and shrieking as they whipped by, trying to avoid getting my legs mummified in the Post.
“This is gross,” I said. “There’s a sign right there that says they recycle the trash. Why don’t people throw their newspapers away?”
“That’s a lie,” he said. “They don’t recycle.”
“Ah, so cynical for one so young.” (He was older than me, by about three years.) “Have you read something that says they don’t recycle? Was there an expose or something?”
“I don’t need to read something,” he said, miffed. “I know. Recycling is a scam. No one recycles. They con you into buying up those special bags or using the recycling bins and putting out your trash separately on a certain day and it’s all to make you feel better. They just throw it in the landfill anyway.”
I stared at him as if he’d just said that Bloomberg was using chemtrails to make us support the smoking ban.
“Let me get this straight,” I said. “You think recycling … is made up to pacify us? Is it really, really doing that great a job? Like, do we feel that much better because of it? ‘Oh, I was going to riot, but the city’s turning my milk jugs into Frisbees, so I guess it’s OK?’”
Well. The conversation quickly devolved into an orgy of eye rolling and angry snorts on both sides, and I’ll spare you. But I can honestly say that I never felt very hopeful about the relationship afterward, and I’m pretty sure he felt the same. Sitting farther apart on our bench with the trash blowing around us, we thought similar things in totally opposite directions. He looked at me and thought, “Hippie.” I looked at him and thought, “Pig.”
As I get older, I’m discovering that I never agree with any group, movement, party or affiliation on every point. I’ve made my peace with it, am, in fact, proud of it, and I have to say it spares me a lot of anguish when I’m trying to reconcile, for example, a progressive politician who won’t support gay marriage. (Ahem.) I’m not really expecting anyone to agree with me, you see.
But I’ll tell you one thing. Before you take up with a man, you need to make sure you either feel the same way about your pet issues … or have a fantastic sense of humor about your disagreements.
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*JennieSMASH is at least 33 years old, but finds that she is often unable to recall her actual age. This either means that she is senile or that she has become enlightened. Probably both. Under her professional alter ego Jen Hubley, she writes about style, shopping, celebrities and other fluffy topics beginning with shuh. She has also written about artificial intelligence, disaster recovery, and the software that enables people to call and email you at all hours of the day and night. Try not to hold that against her. Ms. Smash enjoys wearing flowers on her head, drinking beer, and watching programs with ghosts in them. She sometimes writes about these things on her blog.
Ah, so many good moments here, and an awesome way to start a crappy, effing Wednesday morning.
“I will peer at you from within my enormous muskrat collar and tell you, quite sternly, that the animals I killed were all drunks who beat their tiny muskrat wives, and that as a feminist I was required to skin them.”
Dude!
Ha! This made my morning.
Especially the fight paragraph. That accurately summarizes the final 6 months of my last relationship & I completely understand those sentiments. After the first kind of silly fight that clearly shows both refuse to compromise & it isn’t cute, the future automatically appears bleak.
Great writing. What happened with the pets?
loving it!!! Keep em coming love to hear more from you, Guys r like that…. blah
“Be good and you will be lonesome.”
Wow! You had me at hello. That phrase might just be the next big thing.
I often wonder where all the recycling ends up, too. I’d hate to be putting my plastic bags in the recycle bin only to find out it was a lie. Of course, I only use plastic bags when absolutely necessary, like when I forget my re-usable grocery bags. I might be green but I’m also forgetful.
“I never agree with any group, movement, party or affiliation on every point.”
Thank you for such a great post that ends with the hope that there are still people who think for themselves!
I wish I could claim credit for the title, but it’s actually a quote by Mark Twain. I’m thinking of looking for Twain quotes for all my posts here. It’s not like there’s a shortage.
If I could meet anyone, alive or dead, it would be Mark Twain. I bet he’d have some interesting things to say about the green movement. My feeling is that he’d be both incensed by people who don’t do anything and amused by the groupthink of some aspects of the movement.
But perhaps I’m projecting.
Great comment on the muskrat and vegetarians! I have to agree with you there and on people telling me how to be green. lol.
LOL! Mark Twain? No wonder I thought it was so awesome.
Hey listen: If you’re going to steal – er, create an homage to – something, do it from the best.
haah LOL
I agree with a lot of what you said. I have spent years in the green movement and have few friends in it. They are generally aggravating. When I go camping I don’t take cute little camp stoves, etc, just matches and a hatchet or big knife. You should see my hippie friends roll their eyes. But the annoying part is that my way is probably as green or greener, it just doesn’t fit the dogma.
What I found more interesting in your article is that you recycled a relationship, but still ultimately found it to be fairly disposable. Nothing personal, we all do it. But I do find people’s willingness to move on from relationships to be reflective of our willingness to get rid if stuff, and get new stuff.
ps- I have a fur coat too, and people hate me for it. I don’t care – I am warmer than they are.
[...] Comments …steal from the best. That’s my motto. Accordingly, I swiped the title of my new piece for 30pov from [...]
Listen, I will be the first (and last, if anyone comments after me) to say that partners who annoy you are the worst; BUT, I definitely don’t agree that what’s wrong with the Green Movement is that it’s a movement. I mean not *all* movements are bad…and no movement is bad just because it’s a movement. What about FEMINISM? What about GAY PRIDE? What about…basically anything that’s NOT THE NORM?? But I totally get that you’re saying you’re not a “movement” person. I, too, like to go left when others go right. And I hate-hate-hate being told what to do. But what if no one had ever told us not to hire people as slaves, or make our children work 48-hour-days, or that beating your wife isn’t really an effective way to get her to do the dishes? If it’s true that nobody’s perfect (the ballot is still out on whether I am or not…), then maybe…sometimes…every now and then…as long as it’s in a very quiet voice…We Might Need Someone to Say: hey–maybe you should be doing such-n-such instead.
I think in general I’m just suspicious of large groups of people doing similar things. I’d make a terrible goose or bee.
Now: Just because *I* don’t like ‘em, doesn’t mean movements are useless, or that they never ever accomplish good things.
The horrible thing is, I probably would have been annoyed with labor reformers as well. I’d be all, blah, blah, little children trapped in the mine, human fingers ground into the meat, wah wah, bore me later. And then Upton Sinclair would punch me in the face.
I’d still vote to support the cause, though. You know, provided I had the vote in this scenario. I’m shallow, but I’m not *that* shallow.
funny…i’m suspicious when people do things all by themselves. like they’re going to set off a bomb or something…
I agree Jennie “I think in general I’m just suspicious of large groups of people doing similar things”.
I am now going to carry on working at my 9-5, go home, eat and then spend the evening watching television… because I am an individual and don’t belong to any large groups of people…
In general people follow what they feel is right, we don’t have to agree or support their ideas.
Interesting to read your thoughts.
I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing what relationships sometimes really are like and very well written.
AHAHAHAHA. I found you on the Wordpress homepage, and you, my dear, are my HERO. Rotten abusive muskrat husbands.
What a wonderful post!!!
Amazingly sharp!
Despite being in portuguese, my blog also refers to the question beyond the “green movement”, the “green market”.
I´m an Enviromental Engineer in panic to see what is being done qith the excuse of “saving the Earth” and selling the Carbon as a commodity.
again, WONDERFUL POST!
Cheers!
Wow, are there really people out there who are oblivious to the wonderful world of recycling???! Sure, I am no green tree hugging mermaid but at least I know that it exists. All sorts of human waste is be recycled to save us a few more seconds on this polluted infested rat race. Hurray!
I totally agree with most of what you said here, but I’m at a balance-tipping settle vs. single point. So how much should I really be demanding from that other half on the major issues? Dilemma.
Also, your subway-newspaper incident totally made me think of the movie Brazil. Eaten by paperwork!
セックス
I was just going to say that.
YOUR ARE FUNNY! LOVE YOUR POST! HA!!!!
I love this.
Awesome! If only I had read this 20 years ago!
Oh most hysterical and honorable master smash.
muskrat love,
kbee