7 Deadly Sins (Remix Edition)
November 10, 2009
Due to my NaNoWriMo-related activities, I have not had a lot of time to devote to my other responsibilities this month. This means that the internet has had to soldier on without my opinions for the past, oh, ten days or so. (BTW, I’m still 5000 words behind, so some things have remained constant.)
To make up for my negligence, I’m going to help you out with something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. Namely, rewrite the 7 deadly sins – lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride – to something a bit more current.
In place of Lust … we will have using Facebook Sexing. No longer will it be OK to notify the world of your sexual exploits, spousal spats, or recent heartbreak via the internets.
In place of Gluttony … we will have Mocking the Obese. Especially if the obese person in question is me and you are my primary care physician. I swear people were nicer to me about smoking.
In place of Greed … we will have Under-tipping Your Waiter. I used to wait tables and I can assure you that a special level of hell awaits anyone who gives 12% tips. Lower than that, and you can expect to spontaneously dissolve in a puff of brimstone and reincorporate on the floor of the Senate.
In place of Sloth … we will have Calling People as Soon as They Settle Down to Have a Nap. I know, I know: It’s a little long, and how is a person supposed to know someone’s having a nap? A good guideline, I feel, is that if it’s Saturday or Sunday or any time after work and before 10 PM on a weeknight, it’s safer to bet they’re having a nap. And when I say “they,” I mean “me.” Oh, and after 10 PM on a week night? Yeah, it’s time for real sleeping.
In place of Wrath … we will have Cussing in a Boring Fashion. Especially when operating a motor vehicle. Now, I haven’t done this for awhile, but when I did, I used to eschew cusswords like “shithead” and “fucktard” for polite conversation. For example, I might ask a driver, post cut-off: “Why not go home and fuck your mother some more?” Alternately, I once advised an old woman who complained about my parking skills: “Oh, no one cares, you dried up old cunt.” In both instances, the offenders drove off screaming soundlessly, their mouths hanging open as if they’d just had a stroke.
In place of Envy … we will have Passive-Aggression. I don’t really care if people are jealous. Hell, when people are jealous of me, I wish they’d let me know! Compliments are bullshit compared to the knowledge that someone is eating their own liver with jealousy over something you have, or better yet, something you are. They only part I don’t like is when they try to cloak their seething, bitter enviousness in passivity. Just come right out with it.
In place of Pride … we will have Excessive Apologizing. This is the sin I’m most guilty of, believe it or not. But, I’m sorry, aren’t most women? (Sub-sin: Phrasing statements as a question.)
So, that’s it. The new 7 deadly sins. Don’t say I never gave you nuthin. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to knock off about 5000 words. And then have a nap.
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*JennieSMASH is at least 33 years old, but finds that she is often unable to recall her actual age. This either means that she is senile or that she has become enlightened. Probably both. Under her professional alter ego Jen Hubley, she writes about style, shopping, celebrities and other fluffy topics beginning with shuh. She has also written about artificial intelligence, disaster recovery, and the software that enables people to call and email you at all hours of the day and night. Try not to hold that against her. Ms. Smash enjoys wearing flowers on her head, drinking beer, and watching programs with ghosts in them. She sometimes writes about these things on her blog.
“Why not go home and fuck your mother some more?”
Thank you, thank. I intend on Cussing in a Boring Fashion momentarily.
can we change Sloth to Calling People At All? i mean, in this day and age of Instant technology, isn’t “leaving a voicemail” just a little bit more than lazy…
I concur, as usual, but I, too, would like to see the phonecall eradicated in its entirety. Short of that, let’s definitely do away with uninformative voicemails. Calling during naptime and leaving no information in your voicemail that I didn’t already have on my built in caller ID? Sub sin.