Sin is bullshit. As one who believes that there is no god, to me, the notion of sin in the religious sense and in the context of some mythical afterlife is laughable. In a socio-political context the study of sins and virtues makes sense provided we accept that “sin” is just Christian code for behaving badly in a civilized society. Prohibitions and prescriptions pertaining to social conduct are as old as the first human tribal/familial groups trying to eke out an existence in our primordial past, they had to get along to get along and to prevent other tribes from taking what they got.

Social Contract theorists, such as Hobbes, Locke and Rousseau, believe in varying degrees and with varying details that humans originally lived in a “state of nature” where life was a free for all with each individual taking whatever they wanted from another with no restraint. The only repercussions for our actions are when someone exacts vengeance for our perfidious actions. At some point people came to own property by whatever means possible and the game began to change, because each person, of course, wants to protect what they have from ravaging herds of people who want their stuff. According to social contract theorists, we now create laws that protect our property by punishing those who try to take it away without our approval and enough people want to protect what little that they have, and hope to have more of in the future, that they agree to lives by basic social rules of conduct. They believe that this “contract” allows individuals to preserve what they have and prosper and that this must be good for society and therefore virtuous.

Utilitarians such as Bentham and John Stuart Mill felt that in order for something to have value, it must provide the greatest benefit to the most people. For utilitarians, an act or law which provides the greatest benefit for a society must by its nature be virtuous. Utilitarian thinkers have argued over how to define the greatest utility of an action by how they define value, whether something is of value to an individual or to society as a whole. This is obviously a very simplified explanation of this school of thought but for now let’s say that we are concerned with the greatest good for the greatest number, society at large.

Secular Humanists will tell us that values are universal and will deny that ethics, values and the meaning of life come from a deity. Integrity, fairness, trustworthiness and benevolence are human values that are necessary to live with one another in communities and thrive and thus most major world religions espouse very similar social virtues.

Despite my aforementioned antipathy for religion I thought I might look at some of the virtues that have been championed through time and in different cultural contexts around the globe in hopes that I might find a common thread of human virtue, which may guide us in our own lives moving forward. I would much rather that we try to figure out what is the right way to live than to be constantly told what is the wrong way to live.

The Seven Virtues of Bushido (the warrior code of Japan)
1. Rectitude (right action and thoughts)
2. Courage
3. Benevolence
4. Respect
5. Honesty
6. Honor
7. Loyalty
Others that are sometimes added include:
8. Filial Piety (respecting one’s parents/elders)
9. Wisdom

The Seven Virtues of Catholicism
Cardinal Virtues (in relationship to society)
1. Prudence
2. Justice
3. Fortitude
4. Temperance
Religious Virtues (in relationship to God)
5. Faith
6. Hope
7. Charity

The Eightfold Path of Buddhism
Right View
1. Right understanding
2. Right thought
Right Conduct
3. Right speech
4. Right action
5. Right livelihood
Right Practice
6. Right Effort
7. Right mindfulness
8. Right concentration

Four Classical Greek/Western Virtues
1. Temperance
2. Prudence
3. Fortitude
4. Justice

Hopefully by now, you can see the relationship that I was earlier referring to in that most of the virtues are the same or incredibly similar, especially when we consider the geographical and temporal distance between their unique establishments within their respective societies. Virtues like temperance, loyalty, honor and benevolence transcend, time, place and culture and are among the core human values to which we should all aspire. Ancient Roman culture had a list of both personal and societal virtues that were acknowledged as being the core of the society and the glue that held Rome together for thousands of years. Perhaps it is time for a national debate on what constitutes virtue and justice and an enumeration of what we hold to be our cultural virtues; or, perhaps not. Either way we can each choose to live virtuous lives no matter what our religious or ethnic backgrounds because we all want the same things: to live in peace and prosper, for ourselves and our families.

Personally, I feel connected to the virtues of bushido due to years of martial arts study. Still, I feel that one virtue best describes how we should behave–Right Action. We should always be asking ourselves: Is this the right action or course for this situation? Is this the virtuous path? Just by asking, we are heading in the right direction.

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Happiness, according to Dr. Shaw in Wally Lamb’s knockout of a novel She’s Come Undone, is something one builds out of “insight and good habits.” Dr. Shaw tells Dolores, the novel’s main character, that she needs to “orchestrate” happiness, and “work at it,” because “you don’t catch it as it hurls toward you like a football.”

Is he right? I’m not sure; I’d be a full-time happy person if I knew that. I’m tried to catch my share of footballs, fumbling most of them.

But what I do know is that I see plenty of happiness can come from what early Christians labeled as sinful. Sloth? I’d sleep till noon every day if I didn’t have to, you know, work. Gluttony? I probably gained five wonderful pounds on Thanksgiving Day, and I donated food to a pair of local food banks so that maybe others could do the same. Lust? Relationships, even healthy ones, founder without a little bit of lust. If there were an eighth deadly sin called the Sin of Liking Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series, I’d be happily guilty of that one, too.

Were the seven deadly sins, and the tutelage to avoid them, a means to help us poor, fallible humans be happy? My religiously uneducated perspective says no; my cynical Generation X perspective says that Catholic leaders were trying to exert their power, to make people feel guilty and broken when they felt these natural human emotions and urges.

About the only good thing that I think has come from the idea of the seven deadly sins is some great literature. I was convinced to read Dante’s The Inferno, The Purgatorio, and The Paradiso by a guy for whom I felt a non-trivial amount of Lust.  Though the guy is long-gone, I’m still happy I read the books.  (see? Lust is good for something…) Dante carefully layers his hell, rating the sins by severity, almost to the point of absurdity (I like to think Dante had a little Generation X cynicism, too). I’m a little miffed that he didn’t include a ring of hell for Metermaids, Pushy Leasing Agents, and Mediocre Phlebotomists, but nobody’s perfect.

In the end, Dolores from the novel draws what will make her happy on an Etch-a-Sketch: a picture of a tall, heavy-set man with a friendly face and glasses, whom at that point in the novel she hasn’t yet met, but will eventually marry. We should all be so lucky. I say, let’s all have our unique routes to happiness, then, even if they involve a few pit stops at what others call sin; let’s revel in our human strengths and weaknesses–in moderation, of course–because what other choice do we have?

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Doctor Klown holds a Minor degree in Philosophy from UMass Amherst.

Pride

“Courtesy of the blind dog pride
the eyes of seekers turning wide
lost is he by someone else’s side
he who isn’t free…”

-Machinae Supremacy

“Never use a door when you can make one of your own.”

-Kitty Pryde

In classic psychology and various other systems, normal human behavior can be divided into “oral” (Id) and “anal” (ego) types. Normal people balance (superego) these two trends.  Autistics are usually people who favor one type over the other too much. Way too much.

Given this psychological view, I tried to sort the classic seven sins into “First Circuit Sins”, and “Second Circuit Sins.”

The First Circuit Sins would include Gluttony, Lust, Sloth and Pride. First circuit sins can be generalized by the body’s appetites having victory over the mind. For example, someone who favors the first circuit too much will try to gain acceptance by pleasing everyone.  When this fails, he may turn to overeating, flamboyant stupidity, drug addiction, despondency or alcoholism (oral) as compensation.

The Second Circuit Sins would include Greed, Envy, Anger, and Pride. Second circuit sins generally come from a person’s ego having victory over the mind. Someone who favors the second circuit too much will try to gain power by dominating everyone.  When this fails, he may turn to pathological lying, legal studies, or bullying (anal) as compensation.

Anyway, notice that pride appears twice in this system. Because it is actually 2 sins. For example, dogs and cats can be smart enough to have what we would call pride. But a dog’s pride is very different from that of a kitty.

A dog’s pride will drive him to commit first circuit sins. A dog will eat your cheeseburger but then feel bad about it afterwards. I call this kind of pride self-love.

A cat is one of the few animals with a fully developed ego. She is capable of committing second circuit sins. A cat will hold a grudge for years, and whose behavior may appear to be fraught with contradictions. I call this kind of pride vanity.

I find that people tend to be one type or the other, and it easy to tell, by what kind of problems they struggle against.

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The last month has been one of extreme experimentation and exploration. I stripped myself of all labels that required my placement in small neat tidy little boxes and asked the universe to guide me. On the flight from Seattle to San Diego I reflected on how the weekend had played out in consideration to the whom I am now versus the whom I was then. We all suffer from internal dialogues that often provide both positive and negative chatter to our already complex lives. I am not perfect. I am a nearly 35 year old woman with grey hair, cellulite, body dysmorphia from a childhood weight problem, a propensity towards unhealthy relationships because I yearn to nurture but I attract those that are so broken…I get lost in the cross fire, and mostly, I just suffer. I know how to stew in that inner dialogue, pick it apart and suck the marrow out of each what if, why not, and if only. I have practiced and mastered the fine art of martyrdom for many years. At my worst I can feel undeserving of anything divine because I must be such a woesome horrible individual to be subjected to such horrible atrocities. .. even if I am the one who is choosing to open myself to these acts and then choosing to perceive the outcomes as such. Yet, in beating my pysche up for what I consider these huge transgressions of self, I honestly know that I am a good person with a strong moral code towards right and wrong and that I create the reality of how I relate to the world and all that transpires around me. Things are not black or white. Good or bad. To some people there are clear lines of right and wrong, so I found myself considering the 7 Deadly Sins. As a non religious but highly spiritual individual, my interpretation of them is probably a bit different than that of a more religious doctrine based individual. I found myself also remembering the Enneagram of Personality. Each particular personality has a series of archetypal characteristics such as an Ego Fixation, Holy Idea, Basic Fear, Basic Desire, Temptation, Vice/Passion, and Virtue. It has some vague non secular similarities to the 7 Deadly Sins and appealed to me from a self development stand point.

The Catholic church defines the sins as such: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. Hinduism is less about not committing the similar sins of wrath, envy, pride, covetousness, gluttony, sloth, and lechery, as it is about adhering to a path of karmic righteousness (doing one’s duty) and committing to a dharma practice (maintaining life by a code of what is correct in order to attain salvation and enlightenment. Judaism has it’s 7 Laws of Noah, Prohibition of: Idolatry, Blasphemy, Murder, Theft, Sexual Immorality, Eating the limb of a living animal, and a moral responsibility to the establishment of courts of Justice. In Islam, according to the Sahih al-Bukhari, a follower of Islam must, “Avoid the seven noxious things: associating anything with Allah, magic, killing one whom Allah has declared inviolate without a just case, consuming the property of an orphan, devouring usury, turning back when the army advances, and slandering chaste women who are believers but indiscreet” Even Atheists have their own particular code of ethics that keep them from wrong doing. Rather than using terms and reasons for their behaviour that may imply religious connection, such as sin, they state that ethics come more from societal mores and human nature or innate characteristics rather than any particular authority of religious formation. Buddhists don’t have a particular sense of sin as much as they have the Karmic belief that all living creatures have direct spiritual action/reaction as a result of our behaviors.

I am not a great Buddhist, I was a bad Catholic, I love all my Jewish friends and respect their faith and amazing customs perhaps more than most and while I was great in the kitchen at the Hindu temple, I couldn’t quite wrap myself around how unequal I felt in the faith. I do maintain some level of spiritual wonder though, and this keeps me from atheism. Because I need structure and guidance I find the Buddhist philosophies to work best for what I am able to understand and follow. To me, religion is a delicate practice in linguistics. There are striking similarities between the cores of most major religions but it comes down to an understanding and relation to the language in which it is being spoken. I don’t understand Spanish, Hindi, Mandarin, Russian, and my German is for Scheisse BUT Buddha seemed to say it all in a way that makes my dog ears go down and the deer in headlights look diminish.

My enneagram suggests that I am a 2, whose characteristic role is that of The Helper. The breakdown for a 2 is as such:
Ego Fixation is Flattery.
Holy Idea is that of Freedom
Basic Fear is Being Unworthy of Being Loved
Basic Desire is To Be Loved Unconditionally
Temptation is to Manipulate Others in order to Achieve Positive Results
Vice/Passion is that of Pride.
Virtue is Altruism

This suggestion is true in many ways. I live in a way that I hope reduces the suffering of others. I am NOT perfect…. but I am not attached to the idea of being perfect. While I know I am worthy of love and deserving, it is of course something that simmers sometimes below the surface and on occasion may rear it’s insecure head. My desire to love without expectation and be loved without expectation is a practice that shall require a lifetime of dedication. To expect myself anything more or less… is to expect perfection and set up myself and those around me for a definitive black or white failure. Life is grey. Definitive perfection in life, love, work and one’s spiritual path is unattainable. I am working on letting go of my attachment to personal suffering. The need I have to take care of others at all costs. I need to realize that sometimes it is their journey to fall and get lost, NOT my journey to keep them from experiencing. My dharma practice lays heavily on my own relation to expectations and my attachment to those. That is perhaps my greatest personal sin or ethical dilemma. Even as early as a year ago, I found myself thick in a wooded area of my own psyche, expecting expecting and growing more and more disappointed, disillusioned, and depressed. Anger, resentment, sadness, and the building of a sky high fortress of heavily walled silence to create a self imposed confinement… that was how I woke up and found myself this summer. The cleaning of my psychic house has been intriguing. Leading me in directions that have me walking in childlike wide eyed astonishment. Rather than asking why and why not, I have given in. I have allowed my karma and my dharma to climb into the front seat and guide me, rather than my struggling with a manual transmission while poking at the outdated GPS I had for my soul. While wandering blindly without a map… I feel like I found my way home.

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Seven, the seminal American crime film about a series of ritualistic murders  inspired by the seven deadly sins – starring a short-tempered, wild-eyed William Bradley Pitt – made me crap my big girl pull-ups about, oh, seven times. I don’t recommend it for Granny, the kids next door, a member of your parish, people suffering from PTSD, or those with weak constitutions. I would also warn against it if you’re a pansy-ass, a female virgin, or somehow allergic to Brad Pitt – and if that’s the case, God have mercy on your soul or whatever someone said was your soul. This is a great movie to rent right now:  violent films starring Kevin Spacey as a villain are meant for the dark of winter, when everything is bleak, and dying anyways.

The film is inventive and psychologically painful. It’s creative in its horrifying violence, and intense in ways that kept me buying underwear for weeks. It’s a movie and a film – the film being dark, depressing, intense, and that barf-in-your-mouth bullshit adjective that describes anything involving a police drama, gritty – the movie being a thriller starring People You Will Recognize that you might erroneously take a date to, because hey, the ladies love Brad Pitt, and you might get libidinous leftovers when your date remembers Pitt was dating Paltrow at the time. And Morgan Freeman, he just wears you down with his tolerance and apathy, his steady Shawshank-voice and wise Red words – then BLAM! Brad Pitt, totally shirtless. I’m naming my second-born after the director of this movie, especially since he directed Fight Club, my all-time favorite – and despite the fact he directed The Curious Case of Crappy Movies Like Benjamin Button.

The sins were small in number, but large upon impact. There was the hairy-shouldered whale who was force-fed spaghetti until he passed out from the endeavor (GLUTTONY) – and while I knew it would be a terrible way to go, I did appreciate the almost real-life death-by-carb scenario, because I’d eaten so much chocolate cake the night before. Right then, I felt like achieving my dreams was a real possibility.

The lawyer who died (GREED) was a total yawn – dead lawyers generally are – but the pedophile (SLOTH) was a keeper:  chained to his bed for one year, he was totally revolting, surrounded by 365 hideous photos of himself. That image kept me up at night, mostly because the room I lived in looked almost identical – cleaning wasn’t my forté at the time.

The gruesomely-raped and creatively-killed prostitute (LUST) made me clench in places that don’t technically exist; I watched that one through my fingers, remembering a one-night stand gone wrong (though nothing quite as shocking or permanent). When I saw the prostitute and registered what happened, my ladyparts seceded and ran off in the night; I didn’t really blame them.  That entire scene, I was like EWWWWW OHHH EWWWWW – but internally, because we were in a darkened movie theater and I had a non-existent, bad ass reputation to uphold. More proud moments.

Speaking of (PRIDE), a disfigured fashion model isn’t going to move this heart of stone that’s surrounded by bacon-clogged arteries, though I recognize how much pride gets in my way sometimes. And the truth shall set you free.

(ENVY) and (WRATH) are my absolute favorites – in life and in this movie – because the golden twisty end is delicious in its spot-on fuckeduppery. When I saw where the story was going, I thought, ‘This was the only way to end it.’ I felt the same about the last Harry Potter book and The Usual Suspects. And by the way, is Kevin Spacey the intergalactic chancellor of freaky  mindfucks? Keyser Soze says ‘yes.’

In the end, I couldn’t say what I would have done had I been in Brad Pitt’s shoes. I guess if I’d been in his shoes, then I might have been in his pants, and that’s kind of the ballgame, folks. The truth is, I’m a lightning bolt of internal wrath, every single day, and I’m envious of people, too. Gluttony, greed, and sloth come easily to me, revealing themselves as unhappy warriors against my good (and hopeless) intentions. Lust, however – in moderation – is perfectly normal. I also define moderation as ‘an endless supply in a bottomless well.’

Being an atheist – and having strong views about the Catholic Church – the Seven Deadly Sins mean nothing to me. They’re all a part of Santa Claus-like scenarios I won’t subscribe to, though my main rule of thumb is ‘If it makes you happy, then what the Ben Affleck do I fucking care?’ Instead, I can put my faith in Brad Pitt movies, and hope that gets me through the next seven months of sin-filled winter.

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I rant, I rave, I loose my mind… and yet there doesn’t seem to be a good enough rule code for people and dating – So, I’m pleading with God… can we please “update” our list of deadly sins to have a category that might include: The Dating Sins of the 21st Century – especially those sins of dating “Post 25”. Having dated more than my fair share, and having friends who’ve also added to the book of stories – we seriously need to discuss the “Sins of Dating”. As such, I present my case for “The Rules and Regulations of Dating, and the Sins Committed Hence Forth”. ( started off with about 50 in the draft … but with this being the “Seven Deadly Sins” … I decided to try and limit the list…. these are the ones that were kept after training camp):

1- Dishonety: You can be wonderful, but you need to be honest. No matter how wonderful you make yourself out to be when dating, you end up unhappy if faking it over time.

2- NO “I love you” on the FIRST DATE. Let me explain something really important here: You CAN NOT be in love after a week. You can not be in love after two weeks. Hell,  even in the first month, it CAN’T be love. It’s lust; Get over it. You can absolutely love what you know so far about the person. You can love every aspect of that. You can love the way you feel when you’re with that person. You can even be in love with that person’s body, and how that body makes you feel. That, is cool. However, you cannot be “in love” with that person. You don’t know them. You have no idea how bad their feet smell after a week in the same room with you. You don’t know how often they don’t remember to flush. You don’t know if they pick their nose when you’re not around. It’s love when you know the dumb stuff, and still want the person to be 100% part of your life. So, if you get dumped in the first two months, you don’t get to whine about it for the next year. You didn’t love him/her – you built up a fantasy in your mind about what was going on, and you fell for your own fantasy. Chances are – that person didn’t even exist.

3- No Marriage Proposals in the First Month: Girls, if you meet a guy, and decide in the first month that you are going to marry him, and bear his children, please find the first door and simply attempt to jar your brain back into its original position. Chances are you fit into the demographic for the rule above, and have not yet realized you know nothing about what really happened with the original hook up, and that you may have been second choice after you best friend crawled out of bed and turned the guy down. Besides, what do you honestly know about someone after a month? NOTHING.

4- The Sin of Re-Runs: For some reason, the human mind forces the thought that there could be a possibility to go back and re-write history. Even though we could not make a relationship work the first time, we will somehow magically make it work the second time around?  I am here to confirm for you something that everyone reading this already knows. Re-runs do not work. I don’t care how often you attempt to make a relationship work, if it didn’t work the first time around, it won’t work any other time.

5- The Sleep Over – and the Expectations: If someone chooses to stay the night, please understand that when they say, “your bed’s comfy,” it simply means that they think your bed is comfy. Perhaps they really are just looking for a comfortable night’s sleep.  And they could TOTALLY be out of there before you wake up. Sometimes you may have exhausted them, and they simply needed a power nap. Someone liking your bed is in NO WAY a reflection that they are looking for a long term commitment. Sleep. It’s important.

6- Moving from “The one-night-stand” to “Relationship”: One night stands do exist; they’ve happened to all of us. However, when people attempt to make a relationship out of something that began as a one night stand, they’re chasing something implausible. There is a thought that great chemistry allows you to believe that there is a connection – however, how do you ever make the mental connections that makes a real relationship work, when you spend the first 3 months of the relationship in bed? No build up. No sustenance.

7- Sex in Friendship: Sex is sex. Yes, it’s true. However, it has been greatly debated amongst the women, and we have come to a certain kind of explanation. You can have a one night stand, and walk away. You can have sex – with a friend, after a few drinks – and still keep the friendship. However, you add sex to a friendship, and have that sex happen on a regular basis, and you will have one person get their heart more involved than the other. This being the case, the friendship is somehow changed, and will never quite be the same. Knowing this before entering into this type of relationship could be both good and bad. There is always the possibility that the friendship could grow into something more then what it was – and there is the possibility that the entire friendship will fall apart. There is no way of knowing. The only knowledge is that at some point a choice will have to be made. Either you go forward, or you move on. That’s it. A choice… just like everything else in life.

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We have a lot to cover and very little time to do so. It took me all weekend–dodging Gawd’s fierce, evil, burning glares–to find this little corner of darkness from which to deliver this message to you. Gather ’round my fire and listen to this holiday sermon of joy and delight. The most beautiful power is the power to actively enjoy…..everything.

If any of this indicates to you that I believe in God or that I do not believe in Gawd, then you, my friends, have made a ridiculous assumption. If by some trick of your mind this collection of letters and words leads you to believe that I am a follower of Satan, lucifer, or any other fallen angel, this too is a lie originating in your own mind. If this post leads you to believe anything…..

This post is a tribute to two of my fallen teachers, Christopher S. Hyatt, and the cause of my arising, the woman from between whose legs I emerged nearly 32 years ago, whose birthday fell on 11.23.1953. Thanks to Dr. Hyatt for teaching me the powers of laughter and sin, and to my mother for committing the original sin out of which I grew like a lotus grows from mud. Peace be upon both of them….

Gawd hates us. Let us celebrate!

Each of the 7 deadly sins act as Gawd’s weapons against his creations. By these weapons, Gawd achieves his goal of keeping his people asleep, unaware, and — {{unable}} — to focus and concentrate enough attention ((read: A-Tension)) to achieve their own goals.

The 7 deadly sins find more accurate description as the 7 Holy Compasses. With these compasses, one may track, stalk, and claim as one’s own Gawd’s immense powers. With deliberate and active joy as a shield, laughter as a helmet, and happiness as your suit of armor, Gawd and his minions have no power over thee.

Fear not, children, for in your happiness and play, Gawd has no power over thee.

Let none of you believe that you will not face hardship, strife, and death. Instead, know that by cultivating a deep and abiding joy, concentrated awareness, and a constant search for and admiration of beauty, thou shalt free thyself from the bonds of the Lord. Gawd shall have no more power over thee. You may even find that “God” was just a word to describe the safety deposit box where you stored your immense power for safekeeping until you were ready to claim and use it.

Now, let us begin. The 7 Holy Compasses which lead to the tree of everlasting life:

LUST

Lust is blind. It leaps easily from one object or person to another, and another, and another. Lust makes invisible the blessings already present in one’s life and leads to dissipation and distraction. Eternal damnation in this case resembles a dog chasing its tail forever without ceasing, having mistaken it for a beautiful bitch.

So many gorgeous men and women, so many alluring, luxurious objects dancing around in malls and in my brain, so many roles, careers, and suburban homes to lull me into a lifetime of sleepy stasis… after all of these have I lusted.  Lust marks a craving for something, usually something sexual. What does sex symbolize? Connection. Union. Sensual pleasure. Gawd punishes those who act on lust with a bolt of guilt and shame.

Lust is Gawd’s way of deflecting his followers from discovering the joys of the body. Masturbation is a powerful weapon against Gawd in this battle. Using your own body to bring yourself joy makes Gawd very angry. Try putting your own finger in your ass while masturbating and you may experience something of Gawd’s attempt to punish you. Some of you may have felt the presence of Gawd after just imagining yourself putting your finger or thumb into your ass. If you have the belief that you are an athiest but still feel squeamish about putting one part of your body into another part, you will benefit from asking yourself where those voices of discomfort hail from.

Remember that children have no aversion to asses, genitals, shit, piss, or masturbation….:::::…..before they undergo potty training.

If Gawd is hovering over you right now–you can sense his presence in the form of guilt or discomfort–you can banish him with the weapon of laughter. Take a moment now, stand up, and laugh your ass off. For real. If you have not stood up and laughed, please do so, or the rest of this article will not make sense. Did you laugh? If not, why not?

Masturbation can dissipate the power of lust and reveal the organic desires beneath it. Once your true desires are revealed, the choice is yours to satisfy them or not. Choice in this case means freedom to take actions in accordance with your own will and to not take actions that detract, distract, and weaken your will. Lust shall have no power over you forevermore.

Having discovered the roots of lust in oneself, one may recognize its possession over others. This possession, once recognized, provides a means to direct others to act toward the achievement of your goals. Some call this business. Others call it collaboration. How can you use the power of lust to your advantage? How have others done this with you? I look forward to reading your comments and/or any hate mail from Gawd by way of his followers.

GLUTTONY

I have devoured books and information with the zeal of a pothead taking down a pile cookies and sweets. This mouth has devoured an overabundance of food until my belly was bloated the same way an internet junkie might suck up light from a computer screen for countless hours upon hours. Gluttony numbs the human brain so that Gawd may take possession of it and use it as his own. Whether bloated by information, food, or mind numbing activity, Gawd loves when his creatures fall into a waking stupor. Their minds are then easily filled with Gawd’s directives in the form of advertising, suggestion, and myriad forms of dogma for the taking.

Use the Holy Compass of Gluttony to identify the source of your desire for more. Gawd doesn’t want you to have more. He also, paradoxically, wants you to believe you are not enough and that you will never have enough. To defeat Gawd at his own game, notice in yourself the desire to consume endlessly. The Holy Compass of Gluttony reveals energy and ambition that can fuel a devotion to your own empowerment and joy. When the realization that you have had enough arises in your mind accompanied by the desire to consume more, know that Gawd is attempting to put your brain to sleep.

How many more books must I read before I achieve satiety? How much more food can I stuff into my guts before I feel satisfied? Concentrated attention allows Gawd’s creatures to harness the power of gluttony and turn it toward the happy pursuit of their own goals. How may gluttony in others be directed toward more glorious and empowering ends? The CEOs of fast food companies understand fully the power of gluttony.

ANGER

Many people abhor anger. Some even shrink from it in fear when it explodes around or within them. Give a loud, angry shout in a public place and watch peoples’ reactions. Gawd enjoys anger. It keeps his people wildly striking out at each other, blind to the original source behind the anger. Anger arises in response to fear and the frustration of one’s efforts. The Holy Compass of anger can lead you on a path toward your deepest desires.

Anger arises when one’s goals are stymied by external circumstances or the perceived actions of other people. When one learns to sit silently with anger or to express it in empowering ways, it can reveal the obstacles in one’s way. Gawd wants you to keep the anger inside you, and to keep blaming it on everyone and everything outside of you. That way, you can spend your time complaining about how other people and situations are the cause of your failure. Gawd loves people who complain. It reminds him of the power he exerts over his creatures and prevents them from stealing power from Him.

Next time you feel overwhelmed with anger, grab a pillow and scream or yell into it as loud as you can. Do this five or six times, remembering to take a few breaths between each scream. Punch or kick a mattress a few times to dissipate some of the explosive energy of the anger. Having done this, sit still with yourself for a few minutes. Trace the anger back to its true source in your own mind. Identify some ways to get closer to what you want, without wasting time on blame.

Better yet, take a moment to enjoy the ferocity and power of anger, and choose to dedicate it to the achievement of your goals.

SLOTH

I waited until the last minute to submit this article to demonstrate the power of sloth. Gawd loves to see his people engaging in sloth. Sloth and gluttony result in nice, plump, sleepy cattle-humans for Gawd to eat when the rapture comes. My, what a feast Gawd has prepared for himself in America…

The Holy Compass of sloth can lead you right out of Gawd’s slimy grip and deliver you into the throne from which you live a life of your own choosing….a life of power and joy. Remember, Gawd hates power and joy. He can’t stand the smell of his people having real fun. To avoid his terrible punishments, follow the compass of sloth to discover the things in your life you continue to pursue half-heartedly.

Find your way to everything your parents and your schooling taught you to pursue. Whenever the desire for sloth overrides the excitement of living a beautiful life, you can be sure you have wandered down a different path than your own. Use the Compass of sloth to find your way back to what excites, enthuses, and empowers you. Gawd knows what he truly loves. Since he made you in his image, you know what you truly love as well. Where sloth is not, true excitement you will find.

GREED

Greed is Gawd’s way of keeping satisfaction just out of people’s reach. No matter how much a person amasses, there is never quite enough. More, more, more, more, more–that is Gawd’s way. He wants more and more people for his big dinner party at the end of the world. Greed allows Gawd to keep people chasing after things they never really decided for themselves to want. He again uses his people in the advertising, marketing, and PR departments to help inspire greed among his creation.

Use the Holy Compass of Greed to realize you can never have enough, because you already are enough. Greed results from the deep fear that there is not now, and there will never be, enough. When you notice greed, give something of yours away. By giving something away, you will communicate to yourself that you have more than enough. This way, you may find yourself feeling more and more powerful and joyous, thereby dodging Gawd’s wrath and stealing his powers for yourself. Greed never results in satisfaction. Find satisfaction in yourself and turn others’ greed into a source of power.

ENVY

Envy inspires a person to chase after things that seem to bring happiness to the person envied………This distracts Gawd’s people from seeking out what they truly want for themselves. Again, they remain confused and sleepy slaves of Gawd’s will instead of their own. Use the Holy Compass of envy to find your way back to your own path. When Gawd fills your heart with envy and jealousy, attempt to find comfort and satisfaction in yourself, as you find yourself in that very moment.

Tell Gawd you don’t want or need the things he dangles before your eyes. If you find yourself pursuing objects, people, and situations out of envy, stop. Take a moment to identify the envy. From what has it arisen? Envy is Gawd’s way of telling you that you can never have what you want, and that you will never be as good as those whom you envy. No matter how much you attain out of envy, it will never be enough. Someone else will always appear to have/do/be more than you. This is Gawd’s way of swindling you out of the joy and power that are yours alone.

Pursue what brings you real joy and real power. Leave the envy behind.

PRIDE

Power and joy have no need of pride. When you accomplish something with excitement, enthuiasm, and love, the work itself acts as the reward. Your experiences can deliver greater value to you than the way you think about and interpret them. Remember this fact.

Gawd enjoys using pride to get his people to think they are better than one another. Gawd delights in wars and skirmishes. Pride helps him to get more of what he wants from his people. Gawd feeds on the blood of his creatures. He instills them with a smug sense of pride and gets them to do his bidding to eliminate the other lesser prideful people.

The Holy Compass of pride reveals a diversion from the quest for joy and power. An expression of pride can betray an underlying desire for recognition and acknowledgment. How much recognition and acknowledgment is enough? Gawd never has enough recognition and acknowledgment. Look at what Gawd does to people who forget to constantly acknowledge and worship them! By their guilt and shame, Gawd binds them forever to a life of distraction, dissipation, and slow living death.

When you desire acknowledgment, recognition, or approval, accept the desire, and acknowledge, recognize, and approve of yourself. Attempt to understand that the desire for acknowledgment, approval, and recognition can never find satisfaction. Use the Compass of pride to identify what you really want, which is likely a silent inner awareness of power and joy. Next, do everything in your power to attain this inner awareness. Be sure to celebrate every single inch you make on your way there.

A Secret Weapon Against Gawd:

Fully and Deeply Accept Everything About Yourself.

Gawd is the image of the way things should be, as opposed to the way things are. His 7 deadly weapons keep his creatures asleep and unable to know and experience themselves as the source of all joy, power, and beauty….

I find it alternately hilarious and sorrowful that humans have forgotten that their own brains and imaginations created Gawd, and have enslaved themselves to their own creation under the delusion that they were created by it.

Humans need no longer suffer the hell created for them by the Gawd they created. It was just a silly game of make believe, after all. You created Gawd. Then he made you believe that he created you. It was all downhill from there. Look at what his devout worshippers do to each other on a daily basis around his Holy Globe.

Stop using Gawd as an excuse to feel bad about yourself.

Have fun, enjoy yourself, and gather up as much joy and power as you can muster. Gawd will hate you for it, but you will have no need of Gawd when you have the everlasting peace that comes with true joy and power.

May each of us attain self-acceptance and the most joyous and truly powerful lives possible, and may Gawd finally leave us alone to do as we will.

Enjoy,

-Garrett

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Not now, nor ever, have I thought about the Seven Deadly Sins in the context that the Catholic Church intended for me; that being a “moral compass” to guide me along an honorable path through life wherein the fear of burning in hell forever weighs heavily in my every thought and action. (Yeah, no; fear mongering doesn’t work on me.) In fact, I possibly have never thought about the sins outside of the plot of the movie Seven.

So our Seven Deadly Sins – Envy, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Pride, Sloth and Wrath. While I find the overall idea of the sins to be archaic and a bit of a snooze fest, I think I can offer up a personal tale that touches on most, if not all, of them.

If the following story were a movie it would be a straight to DVD release, and you’d find it behind the curtain, in that tiny room that you must be 18 years or older to enter, at your local mom and pop video store. (Or possibly on Skinemax.) I love me some good ole’ LUST, don’t you? Enjoy.

A few years back, I was on vacation with a couple of friends in the Caribbean. We weren’t at some “MTV Spring Break” spot in Cancun, where you might expect someone like me to go and find a good time, but rather a more upscale, casino and golf resort in Puerto Rico.

Before heading to dinner on the first night, we hit the casino for a bit. While my buddies tried their luck at the roulette table, I sat down for a few hands of blackjack. And that’s where I met her. “Chica” was on vacation from California with her parents – and without any friends to keep her company, she was bored to death. (I knew who she was…I had been ogling her at the pool earlier that afternoon.) That would soon change.

By anyone’s standard, Chica was an attractive girl. She had wavy blonde hair, big green eyes (slightly crazy looking, like the Cookie Monster, I’ll admit), long beautiful legs hanging from a perfect ass, and quite simply, an absolutely fantastic set of tits. (Damn, remember 24-year-old breasts? ::sigh::)

Later that night, Chica hit a local club with my friends and I. We danced and drank, drank and laughed, drank and groped one another and made out like a couple of teenagers rollin’ on extasy. We had a blast, but it was clearly time to take this party back to the hotel. One of my buddies headed back to the room for the night, while the other, “Vito,” decided to hit the casino. After a brief run in with a hotel security guard, who explained to me that prostitutes weren’t welcome on the property, Chica and I made our way to the beachside jacuzzi. ( I’m still not sure if the security guard was insulting me, or my ladyfriend?) Off with our clothes and into the bubbling cesspool of bacteria we settled. It didn’t matter to either one of us that we were naked and going at it in plain sight of a couple of hundred balconies that overlooked the jacuzzi from above – including that of her parents.

Like a ravenous bear tossing a campsite, I was destroying this girl. Limbs stretched to the point of dislocation, heads submerged in the water without a thought of needing to come up for air, we had thrown caution to the wind long ago – we were out of control and there was no turning back. And then things got interesting. Having stopped for just a second to regain my balance, I looked up and there was Vito standing on the edge of the jacuzzi completely naked. (Folks, believe me when I say that a hairier man has never walked the Earth than Vito.) No words were spoken. Chica reached out and took his hand as he stepped down into the water. They started kissing, then she and I were kissing again, then he and I…no, sorry, there was no man-on-man lovin’ going on. As my hands wandered below the waters surface, I felt a hand – a hairy-knuckled hand. And it wasn’t where I was going with my hand, but it was very much in the same vicinity. While Vito’s prostate exam of Chica was unwarranted, it certainly wasn’t unwelcome. But with her writhing around like she was on fire, and things quickly escalating to Lord knows where, I wanted her in my room – immediately.

Off we went, stumbling along in our underwear, sopping wet and carrying our clothes, right past the same security guard from earlier (Suck it, pal!) and through a crowded casino to the elevators. I opened the door to our room and let Chica in before turning to Vito and explaining that this is where his night ended. (I can’t find the words to describe the anger and disappointment on Vito’s face at that moment.) With my other friend asleep in the bedroom, the pullout …no pun intended was ours. Unfortunately, it was too difficult to enjoy ourselves with Vito kicking the door and screaming from out in the hallway, so we took it to the shower. Oddly enough, even all that soapy water couldn’t wash the stench of sin off of us. (And to this day, every once in awhile, I swear that I burp up the taste of pennies. Weird.)

A few weeks after returning home from vacation, Chica came calling when she tagged along on her dad’s business trip to NYC. Picking up where we had left off in Puerto Rico, we got ourselves kicked out of a Times Square restaurant, pushed the public decency laws on a water taxi and in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium, and put on a show for some truckers at the Vince Lombardi Rest Area on the Jersey Turnpike. It was an unprecedentedly sinful time in my life. (And I miss it.)

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by you reading this one of us is breaking this

Patient: Thank you for fitting me in today, really. I hate to use the word “emergency” because of course this infers, well to be crude, me slicing my wrists, or downing a bottle of pills. Which don’t get me wrong if we don’t figure this all out, I may do someday. But not now of course.  No, my emergency Doctor, is more complex.

Dr: I understand, of course, of course it is no bother.  Please continue.

Patient: It just seems it’s never ending. You know? This cycle. It’s always the same and it’s become…tiresome.

Dr: Can you be more specific?

Patient: I am the “lay-over”.

Dr: Excuse me?

Patient: The “lay-over” is what I have coined myself.  I have no problem finding a mate you see…that’s the easy part! And the rush is usually the best part… it’s all “shiny and new”…I am all “shiny and new”…but without fail…my “shine”, it wears off, and just as I become convinced that I may actually want to trust and be trusted, perhaps partake, DARE I say…in a relationship…I become…the “lay-over”. My shine has no “staying power”, it’s short lived. As it wears, I watch as others gather their “luggage” and carry on  to their next destination. Which you see doctor, by my definition is well, the dreaded “something serious”.  I am the “lay-over” in others journey to happiness. So I ask you again Dr…why am I not good enough to be the final destination, and no longer simply just the “lay-over”? There must be a diagnosis for what ails me Dr! Pick up that big book…start flipping and tell me what it is…Put me in a box damn it!…I demand you give me some piece of mind!

Dr: {sighing loudly} I must be honest, you have become a bore.  Every week you are here, sometimes twice. The people and the places you describe may change, but the story remains the same.   Your diagnosis is simple. You are suffering from:  DAD or ” Die Alone Disorder”.

Patient: {gulp…choking back tears} well I think we are done here…

{as she walks slowly away from the bathroom mirror…she reminds  herself: “I simply must  get myself a new mirror”}

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